So one of the things that go along with having a child is inevitably every bug going around will find its way into your home or inside your child. My oldest had the pleasure of feeling as if she swallowed a cactus then the cactus reaming out her stomach. After 2 days of this little beast not improving I knew she had strep but of course a trip to the doctor was necessary.
It’s so funny though it seems the minute a doctor walks into an office your child’s symptoms improve, the fever goes away, and they are bright eyed and bushy tailed! On the other hand when I am sick the minute the doctor walks in my fever is worse and there is generally something that drags for days.
I want to find that secret recipe that keeps kids so active. I want to bottle all of their energy and reap some benefits from it; rather than the headache I normally gain from it!
Thankfully my girl feels better already with the help of a new pair of sandals to go with her ever growing mountain of shoes.
“Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.” –Marilyn Monroe
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Someday...
Someday I will kiss in the rain, fall in love, have no fear of flying and send my children to college. Someday I will forget all of this pain, stand upon the opry, and go on a vacation.
Someday I will make peace with those who have wronged me, take time to watch the sunrise, and own my own home.
Someday I will be called Doctor, make the right choices, and see the green isles.
Someday I will be called grandma, embrace the curves god gave me, and remember to say a prayer.
Someday my parents will leave this earth, and my children will leave my home, will I find the time to live my somedays before it has been too long?
Someday I will make peace with those who have wronged me, take time to watch the sunrise, and own my own home.
Someday I will be called Doctor, make the right choices, and see the green isles.
Someday I will be called grandma, embrace the curves god gave me, and remember to say a prayer.
Someday my parents will leave this earth, and my children will leave my home, will I find the time to live my somedays before it has been too long?
My Contradictions
Why is it that just when I think I have everything figured out I realize that I had it all wrong? This seems to be a pattern I follow often. When I was younger I had this master plan of how life would be, certainly we all do when we are younger. Inevitably we grow up and find for one reason or other those initial plans no longer fit what our life has become.
I have started over again more times than I would like to admit. I am currently on my longest stretch of normalcy my life has ever had. I have told myself I no longer need anything from anyone yet I find myself with this yearning for something I cannot pinpoint.
I think my life is heading for a crossroad, not a bad one necessarily but one nonetheless. I am on a journey with a new home, business adventure, and finally allowing myself to play music again. I am finding myself not as concerned with school as I once was and that worries me a little. Perhaps I am just in need of a desperate break. I have to admit feeling alone is not something I am enjoying these days. I yearn for companionship that sometimes 4 little beauties cannot provide. I feel like a constant contradiction. I do not like surrounding myself with many people for fear of getting hurt or completely fucked over. So many times I have found myself getting close to someone only to realize I have been a part of their own personal gain. I have had the best friend back stab me and I have been a man’s piece of ass for nothing more than a one night stand. Although these are not proud accolades they have happened and left the emptiest feeling one could ever imagine. Despite these negative trials I then sit and wonder if I need to learn to mingle with folks again. I recently stood on a stage and sang my heart out in front of over 1000 people yet I stood there feeling as if I was all alone in the world.
I suppose I have probably passed up some stellar opportunities in my personal and professional life due to my own fears of getting hurt. I know I need to let go of these demons that reside on my shoulder tempting, taunting, and ridiculing me, yet I feel if it was not there I might allow myself to trust and love and I am not sure I am capable of that again. In due time it will all come together but I suppose all I have is time.
I have started over again more times than I would like to admit. I am currently on my longest stretch of normalcy my life has ever had. I have told myself I no longer need anything from anyone yet I find myself with this yearning for something I cannot pinpoint.
I think my life is heading for a crossroad, not a bad one necessarily but one nonetheless. I am on a journey with a new home, business adventure, and finally allowing myself to play music again. I am finding myself not as concerned with school as I once was and that worries me a little. Perhaps I am just in need of a desperate break. I have to admit feeling alone is not something I am enjoying these days. I yearn for companionship that sometimes 4 little beauties cannot provide. I feel like a constant contradiction. I do not like surrounding myself with many people for fear of getting hurt or completely fucked over. So many times I have found myself getting close to someone only to realize I have been a part of their own personal gain. I have had the best friend back stab me and I have been a man’s piece of ass for nothing more than a one night stand. Although these are not proud accolades they have happened and left the emptiest feeling one could ever imagine. Despite these negative trials I then sit and wonder if I need to learn to mingle with folks again. I recently stood on a stage and sang my heart out in front of over 1000 people yet I stood there feeling as if I was all alone in the world.
I suppose I have probably passed up some stellar opportunities in my personal and professional life due to my own fears of getting hurt. I know I need to let go of these demons that reside on my shoulder tempting, taunting, and ridiculing me, yet I feel if it was not there I might allow myself to trust and love and I am not sure I am capable of that again. In due time it will all come together but I suppose all I have is time.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Mayberry's Dirty Secret
We have all had those moments when out of the mouths of babes comes the most honest or direct statements imaginable. Tonight I was faced with such an experience. My 3 children at home decided that tonight would be a “lets drive mom crazy night” and invite a friend over to stay. I went from a house of 3 children to 5.
Oh the joys of a dinner fit for a small army and little girls wanting fingers and toes painted, and boys wanting to slaughter one another in Black Ops. Now mind you I am an absolutely direct person yet I pride myself on my kindness. I have grown up to be “that” mom who gets called Mom by every kid in the neighborhood, so imagine my surprise when a young man tells me tonight about a conversation his parents had about me!
It seems that in the sleepy town of Mayberry little old me who never leaves her house, and when she does goes out of town has rumors going around about her. You would think I with my dry sense of humor I would have found this absolutely hilarious, but in my journey to find my faith I was actually a bit shaken by what I was told. This young man went on to tell me that another woman was at his house telling his parents that I was a bad person and I had robbed her of thousands of dollars!?!? Well obviously I know this is totally untrue. The sad fact is I do not even know this woman yet I recently had done some beauty services for her daughter for FREE! Even with the services for her daughter I still did not meet this woman.
Now obviously anyone who knows me also knows that things are actually not great at the moment and with the sudden lack of transportation I have one would assume if I had recently pulled a Bonnie & Clyde on this woman I would not be in said predicament.
What drives a person to lie to such an extreme? Are people truly that dissatisfied with their own life that they have to try to drag others down with them? I have had people very jealous of my accolades at many times in my life, but never have I heard such absurd rumors before. I guess I will chalk it up to life in a small town; yet with all of the media surrounding bullying I cannot imagine how a young person feels in our communities when faced with such vicious lies.
I guess even in Mayberry gossip, greed, and destruction will always be prevalent, and of course nobody ever gossips about someone’s good fortune. Unfortunately I am faced with the decision of how to end this post…shall I leave a warm fuzzy quote or shall I go off on an angry tangent? Perhaps it is better stated like this…KARMA is one big fat bitch!
Oh the joys of a dinner fit for a small army and little girls wanting fingers and toes painted, and boys wanting to slaughter one another in Black Ops. Now mind you I am an absolutely direct person yet I pride myself on my kindness. I have grown up to be “that” mom who gets called Mom by every kid in the neighborhood, so imagine my surprise when a young man tells me tonight about a conversation his parents had about me!
It seems that in the sleepy town of Mayberry little old me who never leaves her house, and when she does goes out of town has rumors going around about her. You would think I with my dry sense of humor I would have found this absolutely hilarious, but in my journey to find my faith I was actually a bit shaken by what I was told. This young man went on to tell me that another woman was at his house telling his parents that I was a bad person and I had robbed her of thousands of dollars!?!? Well obviously I know this is totally untrue. The sad fact is I do not even know this woman yet I recently had done some beauty services for her daughter for FREE! Even with the services for her daughter I still did not meet this woman.
Now obviously anyone who knows me also knows that things are actually not great at the moment and with the sudden lack of transportation I have one would assume if I had recently pulled a Bonnie & Clyde on this woman I would not be in said predicament.
What drives a person to lie to such an extreme? Are people truly that dissatisfied with their own life that they have to try to drag others down with them? I have had people very jealous of my accolades at many times in my life, but never have I heard such absurd rumors before. I guess I will chalk it up to life in a small town; yet with all of the media surrounding bullying I cannot imagine how a young person feels in our communities when faced with such vicious lies.
I guess even in Mayberry gossip, greed, and destruction will always be prevalent, and of course nobody ever gossips about someone’s good fortune. Unfortunately I am faced with the decision of how to end this post…shall I leave a warm fuzzy quote or shall I go off on an angry tangent? Perhaps it is better stated like this…KARMA is one big fat bitch!
Insomnia Bliss
As I sit here in my insomniac haze I find myself at the end of my nightly routine. I typically finish up homework and then do hours of research for work well beyond the clock. The brain is an absolutely phenomenal instrument but at the same time it can be so utterly destructive at the same time.
From people like Descartes to Nash the mind even when faced with mental disease and distortions can create brilliant pieces of work. Perhaps one of my favorite representations of how amazing our brain is comes from Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor. Taylor works with the brain every day trying to figure out disease and its inner workings. One day Taylor wakes up and realizes her brain is not working correctly and due to her immense knowledge is able to recollect that she is indeed having a stroke. Taylor walks her audience through a brilliant retelling of her experience and has such a unique ability to draw you in that even non-science loving individuals will enjoy her immensely.
I personally find that my insight is best when I am mentally strained. Perhaps I am pulling from deep within my temporal lobe, or maybe I just think I am more brilliant due to my own lack of awareness. Whatever the answer I continue to enjoy my few quiet moments before the Melatonin kicks in and sleep invades my brilliant overworked haze.
From people like Descartes to Nash the mind even when faced with mental disease and distortions can create brilliant pieces of work. Perhaps one of my favorite representations of how amazing our brain is comes from Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor. Taylor works with the brain every day trying to figure out disease and its inner workings. One day Taylor wakes up and realizes her brain is not working correctly and due to her immense knowledge is able to recollect that she is indeed having a stroke. Taylor walks her audience through a brilliant retelling of her experience and has such a unique ability to draw you in that even non-science loving individuals will enjoy her immensely.
I personally find that my insight is best when I am mentally strained. Perhaps I am pulling from deep within my temporal lobe, or maybe I just think I am more brilliant due to my own lack of awareness. Whatever the answer I continue to enjoy my few quiet moments before the Melatonin kicks in and sleep invades my brilliant overworked haze.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Where Art Thou Faith?
“Faith isn’t believing without proof, it’s trusting without reservation.” William Sloane Coffin
Faith what a small word for such a huge obstacle. We all have faith every day. We have faith that we will wake up tomorrow, the car will start for work, our job will be safe once there, and our house will still be standing upon arrival at the end of the day. These are things I have never had much doubt about.
My struggles with faith have been due to a mix of emotions over life’s trials as well as going through a slew of religious change. As a young woman I was baptized as a Pentecostal. I was told to pray that I would go to heaven and the way to righteousness was to dress in skirts clear to the floor, wear my long hair up always, and never wear makeup or jewelry. I had a hard time believing that this lack of beauty would be my path and as I got older my mother had decided so too.
Onto our next journey my mother decided that becoming a Jehovah Witness would be the answer. I had to learn to give weekly “talks” about our literature and my new goal was to grow up and go to Bethel, NY to work at the headquarters and become a pioneer for the assembly of members. I was to not salute our national flag, I was to not attend social functions such as dances and holidays were no longer practiced, even our own birthday. If I was lucky I would become one of the 144,000 anointed people who would get to go to heaven when Armageddon occurred on earth and the 7 seals were opened. Thankfully by the time I turned 14 I wavered on my own and become pregnant, I obviously was done with the congregation.
As an adult I decided to give religion another shot and become a Baptist. This church was actually quite nice. I loved the pastor and I liked the preaching right from the bible. Unfortunately I found the members were quite set in their ways and I felt as if snobbish personalities cast a shadow over the Sunday services.
My next adult adventure came in the way of The Church of Jesus Christ I decided to become a Mormon. I enjoyed the way the beliefs circled around family and that family was the most important thing you could have, I quickly learned though that they taught of false prophets and that they were very comparable to some very radical religious sects.
After feeling as if there was no god or at least a loving god I decided to read the Satanic Bible. Anton LeVey told of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. I liked the idea of that and decided I would simply paint god as an uncaring person who allowed bad things to happen to good people. This would be my motto for a few years.
It was not until my life was virtually saved from disease that I decided god could not be a man without love, and I decided to see my own answers.
I came to the conclusion about a year ago that one has to have faith to maintain a good life. I decided on my own accord that if I die tomorrow and was a non-believer I may suffer in the depths of hell and not go onto whatever realm or heaven that may exist, but if I do believe I may have a chance to be one of the lucky ones that goes onto a paradise. But let’s say I die tomorrow and we just simply die…would my life had been any worse living righteously and holding onto faith? I decided no, my life on earth as a god fearing woman would make me a better person and in the end if all I return to is the earth beneath our feet I will be glad to have had a joyous ride along the way.
Faith what a small word for such a huge obstacle. We all have faith every day. We have faith that we will wake up tomorrow, the car will start for work, our job will be safe once there, and our house will still be standing upon arrival at the end of the day. These are things I have never had much doubt about.
My struggles with faith have been due to a mix of emotions over life’s trials as well as going through a slew of religious change. As a young woman I was baptized as a Pentecostal. I was told to pray that I would go to heaven and the way to righteousness was to dress in skirts clear to the floor, wear my long hair up always, and never wear makeup or jewelry. I had a hard time believing that this lack of beauty would be my path and as I got older my mother had decided so too.
Onto our next journey my mother decided that becoming a Jehovah Witness would be the answer. I had to learn to give weekly “talks” about our literature and my new goal was to grow up and go to Bethel, NY to work at the headquarters and become a pioneer for the assembly of members. I was to not salute our national flag, I was to not attend social functions such as dances and holidays were no longer practiced, even our own birthday. If I was lucky I would become one of the 144,000 anointed people who would get to go to heaven when Armageddon occurred on earth and the 7 seals were opened. Thankfully by the time I turned 14 I wavered on my own and become pregnant, I obviously was done with the congregation.
As an adult I decided to give religion another shot and become a Baptist. This church was actually quite nice. I loved the pastor and I liked the preaching right from the bible. Unfortunately I found the members were quite set in their ways and I felt as if snobbish personalities cast a shadow over the Sunday services.
My next adult adventure came in the way of The Church of Jesus Christ I decided to become a Mormon. I enjoyed the way the beliefs circled around family and that family was the most important thing you could have, I quickly learned though that they taught of false prophets and that they were very comparable to some very radical religious sects.
After feeling as if there was no god or at least a loving god I decided to read the Satanic Bible. Anton LeVey told of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. I liked the idea of that and decided I would simply paint god as an uncaring person who allowed bad things to happen to good people. This would be my motto for a few years.
It was not until my life was virtually saved from disease that I decided god could not be a man without love, and I decided to see my own answers.
I came to the conclusion about a year ago that one has to have faith to maintain a good life. I decided on my own accord that if I die tomorrow and was a non-believer I may suffer in the depths of hell and not go onto whatever realm or heaven that may exist, but if I do believe I may have a chance to be one of the lucky ones that goes onto a paradise. But let’s say I die tomorrow and we just simply die…would my life had been any worse living righteously and holding onto faith? I decided no, my life on earth as a god fearing woman would make me a better person and in the end if all I return to is the earth beneath our feet I will be glad to have had a joyous ride along the way.
Wine Into Water...
This song has so much meaning to me. It does not matter if alcohol has consumed your life or you have let some other evil enter your wellbeing it is a beautiful piece of work depicting like many of us a plea for help.
I have battled addictions of many kinds; once even confusing love with obsession. Many times we do not know where to turn; we question faith and have such emptiness within. I will not ramble long in this post as I hope the lyrics to this song touches you my readers as it has touched me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
