The Freak Show

“All that we ought to have thought, and have not thought and all we ought to have said, and have not said, and all that we ought to have done and yet have not done, and all that we ought not to have thought yet have thought, all that we have ought not to spoken, yet have spoken, all that we ought not to have done and yet done, for thoughts, and words and works, pray we oh god, for forgiveness and repent, with penance amen. “

The above prayer is one of my favorites of all time, it doesn’t hurt that it was epitomized in “The 13^th Warrior.” The reason I think this prayer stands out to me is the fact that there have been many times in my life where I should have done the right thing, knowing it was wrong to refrain. On the other hand there are times when I decided to be extremely extroverted, when I should have taken a step back.

I would label myself as an intelligent person yet all too often I have found myself in positions where I knew I was in the wrong, or allowed myself to be taken advantage of and yet I did nothing. They say that hindsight is 20/20 yet we as human beings seem to get on this wheel of destruction and though we know it will end badly we expect a different outcome each time. This is truly the definition of insanity.

All too many times we idly sit by as we see our fellow man abused, or all too often we allow ourselves to be the victim. Is it encoded in all of us to be the punching bag, or the martyr? How can one be both at the same time? Growing up I never seen my parents have much more than a squabble with one another. I never appreciated the joy and peace that it was indeed bringing to my life. In my 31 years of life my parents are still together, and in a world of divorce this is a rare event. One would assume this has instilled wonderful values in me? Unfortunately this is simply not the case. Where my parents failed was the introduction of “the bubble.” I was just talking today to someone regarding the “bubble” I explained that I approach my child rearing in a different manner. I allow my children to know this world is far from perfect. I have also explained they are the holders of their destiny. One must work hard to excel and life is not going to be perfect even still. As a psychology student I know that this goes against the grain, but having the life I have had I would hope it stops a vicious cycle of naivety.

The major age difference between my parents is what I think drove me to think I needed to start my life so soon; as well as being a great escape. I looked for love and thought I had found it, only to hop on the next bandwagon after having 4 children was still not enough to make him stay. I soon married after the bio donor departed to a man I met in a bar and whom I had only known for 2 weeks. I quickly learned any human being is capable of being the most deceitful liar in a 2 week time frame.  My husband immediately turned into a monster. 2 broken ribs, a broken nose multiple times, a broken foot, and bruised eyes for days became my new wardrobe. I felt I had no voice and that if I just tried harder he would love me. What a disgusting view of life I had. Thankfully I found a way out, but not without paying an extreme price, the monster is where he belongs for a very long time.

All too many times young and old we allow ourselves to go through these repeated cycles, and sometimes become a part of the perverse insanity ourselves. Despite all this I have learned that the freak show can become the circus owner. Slowly healing all oddities within; if we all took the time to make a gesture upon kindness, or realized someone may be walking in way side shoes that we long ago discarded, maybe just maybe we could sale the circus tear the tents down and let the sun shine in.