The Pain Within

“ I hate how I loved you
   I hate how I felt
   I hate everything you said
   That made my heart melt

   I hate what you did
   I hate how I hurt
   I hate how you left me
   Alone to die in the dirt

   I hate how you said you loved me
   I hate that I thought it was true
   I hate that I let my wall down
   And let myself fall in love with you

   I hate how I was so stupid
   I hate that I fell so hard
   I hate how I let you in
   And watched you steal my heart

   I hate how much you put me through
   I hate how much I cried
   I hate that I don't understand
   Why you had to lie

   I hate how I try to hate you
   I hate it that I can't
   I hate it that I miss you
   Even though you don't

   I hate how I still love you
   I hate how I still care
   But most of all I hate it
   That you are no longer here”

Written by: Alycia Forbes

They say that death is a permanent place. When one dies they are gone in the flesh forever, yet can haunt you as if they never left. Now I swear this is not some absurd paranormal blog; more so a cathartic release.  

In this sad Loretta Lynn (esque) way I fell in love at 12. Now laugh as you will everyone at that age used to think it was the adorable puppy love and certainly the first in a long line of heartbreaks…well they had part of it right! When I went on to get pregnant at 14 and had my first child at 15 people took it a little more seriously; when I we had 4 children together by the age of 21 I think it had just became normal.

Children were a blessing they are the greatest gift ever bestowed to me. I thank god every day that I met the man I did because he created his one and only legacy in life that would be positive. Needless to say we grew up and grew apart, which is so common in young love. He decided to leave when the youngest was only 2 months old; seemingly forgetting he was a father. Sadly the family seemed to forget as well.

The pain I went through during this time was unbearable. I loved this person so much it hurt, and his ability to throw us out like yesterday’s trash was an even bigger pill to swallow. I definitely think I went through very stage of mourning like a death. I moped around for weeks and even got married to the first man I met to try and “love” the pain away. I tried after a few years as the children got older to be the middle man if you will. I tried looking for this man, calling family members, and even finally calling the prison I learned he resided in. I guess all I hoped for was for the kids to know they had another parent, someone who indeed loved them but had a hard time loving him let alone them. I wanted them to be able if anything to have some closure, and maybe in the end I needed it too.

I no longer loved this man in an intimate way. I loved the man that blessed me with 4 beautiful gifts, yet I hated him too. 6 ½ years after his departure and numerous calls and paced floors I finally got a phone call. Although it was not him directly it was a sister in-law, I thought for a split second that maybe someone had remembered their existence. Unfortunately 30 seconds into the call and being asked to sit down I knew mourning would begin again. He was dead.

I never thought in a million years that I would have 4 children and more so I never dreamed if I did that I would do it alone. The biggest shock to my world was realizing at 28 years I was going to have to look at these 4 confused faces and explain to them their father would never call. Imagine how hard it was to explain to 4 children that tried to find the sadness and emotion over a man they really did not know. Days got much harder after that when I found the obituary online and it stated he had 2 brothers and his parents; no mention of 4 little blessings that were left to carry on what was left of him (what I believe was the good part).

I never thought it was possible to love and hate someone at the same time, but over the last 3 years I have slowly healed, and the children came out unscathed. Today we have a large portrait of the man I feel mixed emotions about. On the day of his death we say a little prayer that in death he finally found peace, and in an odd way gave us peace as well.