My Contradictions

Why is it that just when I think I have everything figured out I realize that I had it all wrong? This seems to be a pattern I follow often. When I was younger I had this master plan of how life would be, certainly we all do when we are younger. Inevitably we grow up and find for one reason or other those initial plans no longer fit what our life has become.
I have started over again more times than I would like to admit. I am currently on my longest stretch of normalcy my life has ever had. I have told myself I no longer need anything from anyone yet I find myself with this yearning for something I cannot pinpoint.
I think my life is heading for a crossroad, not a bad one necessarily but one nonetheless. I am on a journey with a new home, business adventure, and finally allowing myself to play music again. I am finding myself not as concerned with school as I once was and that worries me a little. Perhaps I am just in need of a desperate break. I have to admit feeling alone is not something I am enjoying these days. I yearn for companionship that sometimes 4 little beauties cannot provide. I feel like a constant contradiction. I do not like surrounding myself with many people for fear of getting hurt or completely fucked over. So many times I have found myself getting close to someone only to realize I have been a part of their own personal gain. I have had the best friend back stab me and I have been a man’s piece of ass for nothing more than a one night stand. Although these are not proud accolades they have happened and left the emptiest feeling one could ever imagine. Despite these negative trials I then sit and wonder if I need to learn to mingle with folks again. I recently stood on a stage and sang my heart out in front of over 1000 people yet I stood there feeling as if I was all alone in the world.
I suppose I have probably passed up some stellar opportunities in my personal and professional life due to my own fears of getting hurt. I know I need to let go of these demons that reside on my shoulder tempting, taunting, and ridiculing me, yet I feel if it was not there I might allow myself to trust and love and I am not sure I am capable of that again. In due time it will all come together but I suppose all I have is time.